Home for the Holidays: 4 Tips for Navigating Vocal Feminization Around Loved Ones

When you’re going through the process of vocal feminization, spending time with family and friends can be difficult. Around the holidays, you might be going home to see family, or spending time with friends at parties. Or maybe you’ll be spending extra time with your cat - arguably the best choice, if you ask me. :)

Whether you’re working on vocal feminization, vocal masculinization, or vocal neutralization, maintaining a new vocal sound can be both technically and emotionally tough. 

And when you’re in social situations, you might feel pressure for your voice to be “perfect”. Meeting people for the first time can cause anxiety. You might worry about your voice being gendered correctly. You might worry about loved one's reactions to your new voice. Or stress about whether you’ll be able to maintain your voice for a whole visit. 

It’s that time of year, a time for festivities and “forced family fun” (a phrase we use a lot in my family…)!

So, I wanted to share 4 tips to help you navigate vocal feminization with your loved ones around the holidays!

1. Manage Vocal Expectations

When you’re around family and friends that have known you for a long time, they probably knew you to use your old voice. It can be challenging, then, to use your new voice around them. You might feel anxiety about how they will react. Or you might feel so comfortable around them that you slide back into old vocal habits. It's easy to get lost in conversation and lose focus on your voice.

Your voice is a muscle, so just like the muscles you build in the gym, you need to build up endurance. 

Holiday parties can turn into hours-long events. Depending on how long you've been working on vocal feminization, it might be difficult to maintain your voice throughout a long day. Your voice might start to feel fatigued if you haven't practiced using your voice for long periods of time. You might notice a drop in pitch or a tightness in your jaw. 

Rather than be discouraged, set goals for yourself. These goals can look different depending on where you are in the process of vocal feminization. 

Here are some ideas:

• I’m going to use my new voice for the first hour of the party

• I’m going to focus on forward resonance today

• I’m going to use my voice only when I’m talking with ____ (a safe person)

• I’m only going to focus on resonance and inflection today

• I’m going to allow myself to relax and have fun, and check in with my voice every couple of hours

Expecting your voice to be perfect for long get-togethers might not be realistic for where you are in your voice journey. Remember that it’s okay for your voice to not be your idea of “perfect”. Give yourself the gift of self compassion and do your best!

2. Find an Ally 

Not all family events are trans-friendly. Trans issues are highly politicized, and many people have family members who subscribe to transphobic ideology. 

You may simply choose to not be at events with unwelcoming people, but there may be times you find yourself at parties with people you don’t particularly want to be around. Or maybe you’re not comfortable fully being yourself around family you don’t see that often. 

In these situations, it’s important to find an ally - a supportive person that you feel comfortable with. 

Let your ally know what would be most helpful for you in terms of support. 

Here are some ideas: 

• Ask them to point out when they notice your voice shifting back into old habits 

• Ask them to pull you away from conversations with people who don’t make you feel comfortable

3. Pace Yourself

Holiday parties can often be long affairs - anyone else’s family say “goodbye” for a full hour?? So when you’re running a marathon with your voice, you’ve got to be able to pace yourself to cross the finish line. 

When you’re talking for long periods of time, your voice can get fatigued. But there are ways that we can combat vocal tiredness. 

Here are some ways to combat vocal fatigue: 

• Take vocal naps 

Take 10 minute vocal breaks. Take a quick walk, or go to another room. This can give your vocal folds the rest that they need to keep going. 

• Do Vocal warm ups 

Use SOVT exercises like a straw warm up or a lip trill - you’re resetting your vocal folds by putting them in the optimal position for voicing. SOVTs also relax the larynx (voice box) and muscles around the larynx. 

• Focus

Focus on just one or two elements of vocal feminization at one time. Breaking it down helps to decrease mental and physical exhaustion.

4. Face Your Fears 

Family occasions can be challenging! You don’t always know how people will react, and family dynamics can be complicated. 

But the only way to start to commit to your vocal change is by trying. Remember that you’re finding your voice, and your opinion of your voice is the only one that matters. 

No changes are made without leaving your comfort zone. 

Here are some ways to build up your confidence:

• Breath work

• Meditation

• Chatting with a close friend

• Visualize things going well 

If you find yourself wanting some extra support this time of year, sign up for a lesson! Give yourself the gift of confidence in your voice. Happy holidays!